i have a sense memory this morning of waking up after a night of drinking with the taste of stale cigarettes in my mouth. it’s been years since i smoked cigarettes and months since i drank, but i know where it’s coming from.

i’ve been indulging lately. thankfully my addiction no longer attaches itself to a substance or behavior that is acutely destructive and overwhelmingly difficult to change, but the base layer is still there. maybe it never goes away, idk. it tells me that i lost my fucking job, of course i can skip all the stupid things i do to make myself feel better and stress eat garbage food and get zooted on caffeine for no reason and live on my phone and etc etc. the language of self-compassion that has something…else underneath.

well guess what i got a fucking job and the stress underlying these impulses has been gone for a few days now so now i just feel my body sagging and shuddering under all of this mindless consumption. but i can’t just cool it, no! i have to pick a day and go all out in a crescendo of gluttony, saying goodbye to all my favorite vices with maximum catharsis.

that was yesterday, as i took the kid on an all-day adventure. much fried food and aspartame was had and we had a great time. this morning i get the house to myself, and there’s 2 weeks of downtime in my calendar before the rat race begins again, so the coffee is decaf, the chocolate chips are gone, and my phone once again is a boring brick useful for very specific utilities, and maybe my nervous system will once again slowly unlearn the habit of being one tap away from the online shitshow at the expense of any awareness or presence in my actual life.

this is, i’m coming to learn, the raw material i have to shape what my life looks like, today. it’s the prima materia. i think about and tweak it all the time and sort of study the outputs. it turns out getting good at breaking cycles makes you aware of the meta-cycles, and maybe that just goes on forever.

i would love to do some qigong, maybe sit for a bit. but there’s so much internal resistance. the other day i sort of landed on the idea of qi being the opposite of…whatever this is, and when i can get a regular practice of just being in my body and cultivating energy, this force loses its grip and a torrent of virtuous cycles can germinate after long dormancies. i don’t think i’m strong enough today, but maybe i can build a container of mild restraint that will help me get there tomorrow.