i’m logging out of twitter for a few weeks while I look for a new job. last time I took a break from social media I found a job, so this is sort of a rain dance situation. but it’s also sort of what I do. i’m consistently interested in habits, and i’m constantly fucking around with my own to see what happens and to try to feel better about what i’m doing on a more regular basis.

since the kid arrived, I no longer have the willpower to START things frequently (though I guess this blog would disagree) but STOPPING things feels like it takes much less effort. just don’t do it! right now I am currently not consuming caffeine, processed sugar (this one really comes and goes), alcohol, video games, and now twitter.

there’s a thing that happens where you take some dissociative activity out of your quiver and then a time comes where you usually just reflexively do that thing and then you just sit there and notice yourself instead. the downside is that this is hard and it sucks, but turning these moments around goes such a long way toward feeling like you’re spending your time well.

something about being a remote information worker with a toddler in These Times makes me feel like a deep sea fish, my physiology held together by massive atmospheric pressure. take me to the surface and I immediately fall apart. there have been time where my environment has massively depressurized me and I sort of have to keep it all together in a way that seems unintuitive. like having a kid makes it hard to get quality alone time for long stretches, but I know that without my family to take care of I would have sunk into the couch on layoff day and not gotten up for a few weeks.

all of which to say, I don’t really know what relaxing is anymore but denying myself the ability to compulsively remove myself from presence helps. maybe one day I won’t have to do that.